hard decisions

As I sat in my dimly lit living room, the weight of his words lingered in the air. My face bruised & sore. It was in that moment, with my child fast asleep in the next room, that I knew something had to change. The fear and uncertainty consumed me, but deep down, a spark of determination ignited. It was time to take a stand, not just for myself, but for my child. And so, with a trembling voice, I made the hardest decision of my life...

I first met my daughter's dad when I was sixteen years old. We met through mutual friends & it was instant affection, we were inseparable & deep in the honeymoon phase, enjoying each others company & spending as much time as we could together. He stayed in the next town from me, so there were multiple bus journeys to see each other daily. Our time was always cut short due to the horrid bus timetables & tomorrow couldn't come quick enough for us to meet up again... we were smitten. I still lived with my Dad at this time, going between college & working in a few local shops.

2 years into our relationship & only 2 months into my college course. I found out I was pregnant with my oldest daughter. Nervous about telling our parents as we were only eighteen & had no idea what we were doing, we were shocked but also excited. Even though we were still young ourselves, this was a new chapter in our lives. He was there for every appointment & every scan, when the time came to tell people, we were thrilled, as was everyone else. A new baby is always a welcome surprise. He was supportive the whole way through & things were amazing, he held my hand while I was in labour & had the biggest smile on his face & a tear in his eye when our beautiful girl was born. Helping with night feeds & just taking to parent hood so well.

On valentines day, he proposed & we talked about getting married all the time, he was working at the college, while taking a course to become a paramedic & he also worked in Tesco on the days he wasn't attending college, to provide for us, he was a busy man. So wedding planning was in full swing. I purchased my dress & was constantly looking at bouquets & shoes I would wear on my big day. Things were great between us. We loved our little family, I was always round at my families houses too, I had a great support system; including my Dad. The day he moved out, I was upset, I'd never been on my own without a parent before & I hadn't really been on my own with my daughters dad either, my Dad had always been present, being home when my daughters dad was home, as they'd finish work at the same time, I never really had any "alone" time with him after my daughter was born. He was so understanding when my Dad left & knew I was upset but tried to be extremely positive about us now starting life on our own. We even welcomed a little puppy into our home to complete our little family. As I said, things were going great, we were getting used to being together on our own, it was hard at first, as I didn't have my Dad there to pass my baby to, whenever I needed five minutes to throw clothes on or go for a shower, but we quickly fell into a routine. But then, because he was no longer attending college, he couldn't continue to work there, so he needed to find another job. He decided he didn't want to continue working towards becoming a paramedic anymore & wanted to find a new profession. We talked about obviously needing money in the mean time & him finding a job for right now, was our main priority. That was fine, he was quick to find another job in a security company, after completing a 2 week course, to gain his SIA licence. I supported him the whole way through, it's what he wanted to do & I wasn't about to get in the way of that. At first he was enjoying his work & he'd come home tired but happy that he had found somewhere, he actually liked. But this wouldn't last, one of the woman he worked with, was being horrible towards him, calling him lazy & making it clear she disliked him.

The first few weeks, he'd come home & complain, we would sit & talk about her, calling her all the names under the sun & this would make him feel better about it, he'd take the pup out for a walk to calm down too. He was then able to go back to work & endure another day "water off a ducks back" is what I would say to him, just ignore her & she'll stop, just like what you say to your kids, when they're picked on in school. This worked for a little while, but that's only putting a plaster over a bigger issue. He started to resent me for not having a job, because it meant he couldn't leave this one, as we'd have no money to live on. At first it was just silly comments about the housework "what have you done all day?" I would reply with, "taking care of your daughter" I would go to my mummies groups & book bug clubs, always out & about doing different things, he knew this but it started to become an issue. Things that were never a problem before, now were, he was being treated badly at work, so when he came home, it was my turn. I received the brunt of it, I was "useless", I “didn't care about him anymore”. All of these things said in anger, slowly he tried to pry me away from my family members, complaining we didn't spend enough time together, but when we were together, it was just arguments all the time. "Why aren't you at home, making my dinner for me?" "Why is the house always a mess?" Just finding anything to pick a fight over, I would put it down to him being stressed out, I was walking on egg shells in my own home, not knowing what to say, as I might piss him off. Every Sunday we would have a Sunday dinner at one of my family members houses, he was no longer interested in being around for that, he tried to stop me going too, but I refused. It was worse when I was the host, he would disappear upstairs, for the entire time my family were round, not even saying as much as a hello to them.

Was he depressed? I have no idea, I asked him if he was & he said no, but still continued to act this way. I tried to help but most of the time we just ended up shouting at each other, there was no pleasing him, he was just an unhappy man, uninterested in anything going on around him. The arguments were getting worse & worse, until one day he hit me... He was so enraged one evening, just angry at the world, he was breaking things around the house. I was begging him to stop because he was scaring our little girl & our dog, he didn't care! Continuing on his rampage, shouting & swearing, telling me I was useless, I got too close & he struck me across the face. Shocked I stepped back & looked at him, he had a glint in his eyes with a smirk on his face as if he enjoyed it. My dog lunged at him to protect me, snarling & almost knocked him over, he grabbed the dog & locked him in the kitchen, I walked away sobbing & he shouted "Where do you think you're going?" He walked after me & grabbed me just as I had stepped up to the second step on the stairs, he yanked me down, twisting my ankle as I fell down, still shouting at me "you won't do that again will you?" He looked different, something I hadn't seen before, I sat on the floor until he walked away, the dog barking his head off in the kitchen. I got up & limped to the kitchen door to let my dog out & he ran straight for him, barking again, this is when I relaised he was definitely my dog. He ended up having to leave so I could get my dog to calm down. He stayed at his Gran's house that night.

Roll on the next day, he comes in apologising, straight away my dog is on edge, watching his every move, ready to act at any moment, I pat his head & get him to lie down next to me. My daughter’s dad stands there looking all solemn & sorry for what he had done, he asked "was that me?" Pointing to the obvious mark on my cheek, I replied "yes it was" he apologises over & over, telling me he can't even remember doing it, everything happened so fast & he promises he'll never raise his hand to me again. I accept his apology but I'm still wary & it will take some time to trust him again. In the coming weeks, he would try to convince me to give up my dog, telling me he was unsafe to be around our child & she might get bitten. Trying to tell him the only reason he acted that way was because of what happened & he didn't act unprovoked, just ended in more arguing & sadly I let him convince me to give up my dog.

Big mistake! From this point on things got worse, we were arguing daily, usually resulting in me asking him to leave until he had calmed down, he'd still push me, leaving bruises & break things around the house, leaving me to clean all of it up with tears streaming down my face, I stopped going to my aunt's for a while because I just couldn't be bothered with the fight when I got home & I didn't want her to see any marks I might have, I was only going to my mummies group every now & then, when he was at work & I made sure to be home when he got home, to avoid any confrontation. The few times I was out later, I would receive a message from his mother asking me why I haven't prepared his dinner for him, "he's out working hard, while you're in the house all day, why haven't you done this" & she'd pretend to know everything going on in our house, even though she had no clue. I tried to tell her a few times but she didn't want to hear it, her boy could do no wrong. One time she told me to go to the police if i was really that upset or worried, as if it was as easy as that. I felt stuck! I couldn't turn to anyone, if I told anyone in my family, I knew exactly what they would do & I was not going to risk losing my family over something I felt I could help him through. I was naive in that way.

Many months went by & I was miserable, gaining weight, feeling horrible about myself, plastering a smile on my face when I went out, even though I just wanted to run away. But all I could think about was my daughter, I had been told she needed both parents in her life, so I couldn't leave. I'd end up a single parent & that's frowned upon. So I stayed, I endured this hardship for what I thought, was for her. I had things thrown at me, things destroyed over & over, I was grabbed, pushed, bitten, thrown against walls & again & again he would apologise & tell me he didn't mean it, I made him do it or how I make him so angry, he just sees red. It became "normal" I had become used to him acting like this & just got back up & carried on as if nothing happened, he'd buy me flowers, take me out for meals, have movie nights & we'd act like this happy couple out in public but the minute we were back in the house, he was moody, unapproachable & just downright nasty.

The last straw for me was mother's day of 2015, the night before, my mum had agreed to watch my daughter while we went out for a date night. We went out for a meal, then to the cinema & off to the pubs for a few drinks, it was a good night, we laughed a lot & talked about all of our fond memories of getting together, & even talk of our wedding came up, something we hadn’t spoken about in months. We had been together for four & a half years, so there were a lot of memories of all the places we had travelled to, the sights we had seen & the people & friends we had met along the way, it seemed like things might be looking up & I started to feel the way I felt about him the first day I met him. We went home, cuddled on the couch & watched another film before heading to bed, it was such a good evening, I remember thinking maybe he's changing & getting better, maybe we can make this work.

It was short lived, the next morning, he woke up with a headache, this made him moody & demanding I get him a glass of water & something to eat, I asked him to "ask nicely" in a joking way & this made him lose it, he starts shouting at me telling me I never do anything nice for him, how he always does everything for me, takes me out on dates, buys me gifts & spends his hard earned money on me. Fed up of listening to him, I went downstairs to make a cup of coffee, he followed still going on about how little he is appreciated & while my back is turned, he punches me in the back & grabs me, putting me in a head lock, I try to fight my way out but he squeezes tighter, so I grab the skin under his arm & dig my nails in until he let's go, wincing, he lets me, then he grabs a wooden spoon off the draining board, snaps it in half & stabs me in the stomach with the sharp end, I feel his fingers grip into my hair as he tries to pull me down onto the floor, but I manage to stay standing, unhappy with this, he starts kicking me in the legs, punching & trying to grab me to knock me to the floor, I hold my ground, having had enough of it all, I grab him & put him in a head lock under my arm, using all of my strength to hold him there, so he can't hurt me again, every time he pulls away, I grip tighter, he bites me, but I don't move, I stand steadfast, somehow able to hold him for what feels like a lifetime, adrenaline coursing through my body, I ask him "are you going to calm down?" He doesn't reply, so I hold him for a bit longer, then ask again "are you going to calm down?" He says yes, I slowly let him go, then back away to the front door, I take my keys from the corner unit, open the door & stand in the close, not taking my eyes off him, he has a shocked look on his face because I finally stood up for myself. I asked him to leave, he walked straight out the door, down the stairs, got in his car & off he went, I've no idea where to. I felt like this was the end.

Being mothers day, I quickly got dressed, had a look out of the window to see if he had come back then sped walked down to my mum's house to collect my daughter. I didn't tell her what happened, as I was embarrassed. We exchanged gifts, I stayed & chatted for a while, then she gave us a lift home. That night with my door locked & the snib pushed down, so he couldn't get into my house, I got my daughter ready for bed as normal, lied down with her until she fell asleep, then I went downstairs & watched my show. after a lot of consideration, I called him & I told him we were done. I would not be at the centre of his abuse for one more minute. I told him he needed help, someone to talk to & some serious anger management classes, he didn't say a word, he just listened, I told him I wasn't in love with him anymore & I'm better off without him. Again, not a word. "Goodbye" I said & hung up the phone.

I felt relief, I was completely free from his hold & I could move on with my life. I still felt scared though, I didn't know how I was going to manage financially without him. I was officially a single parent & that hurt, the idea of being on my own, but I came to the realisation that I was better off without him. I'd rather be a single mum & happy than be miserable in a relationship with an abusive, unstable person. When I finally told people what had happened & what I had been dealing with the past year, I was met with the normal "I'm so sorry" & "how did I not notice you were going through this" people just feeling sorry for me, which made me feel worse, I felt like a fool for putting up with it for so long. But I loved him & I wanted to help him be better. Daft I know, but only hindsight has taught me that, I was never going to be able to change him. I'm glad I'm out of that relationship. I know my worth & that wasn't it. My daughter should never have had to witness that & she is one of the main reasons I left, to show her it’s not okay, this is not an okay relationship to be in. No one deserves to be physically or verbally abused, it will not be me my daughter learns that from.

If anyone is going through something similar, pleae do not hesitate to get in contact or ask for help.

Thanks

Redhead xx